


break down walls together

by softminhyuk



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Canon Compliant, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, minhyuk is ace and changkyun doesnt know, minhyuk is also sad and scared and has doubts and all that jazz, other members appear but aren't really mentioned, this does actually have a hopeful good ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-23
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2020-07-12 02:23:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,404
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19938583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softminhyuk/pseuds/softminhyuk
Summary: for minhyuk, being asexual isn't something he's proud of. the years of negativity have forced him to hide that part of him away. now, he needs to tell his boyfriend, changkyun, about it and all those doubts and fears are at the forefront of his mind.





	break down walls together

**Author's Note:**

> this is basically a vent fic
> 
> regular disclaimer and all that: everyone's asexuality experience is unique to them and this doesn't represent anyone's experience but my own and other people may feel differently or have a much different experience. also, i know this fic is kinda negative and frames asexuality as smth negative (in minhyuk's eyes) but again this is a vent fic which too much projecting onto minhyuk, but i think its important to remind everyone that its /not/ a bad thing and i wrote this purely as a way to vent my negative feelings and explore that. i dont want to upset anyone with what i wrote in this as it really was just a way for me to get out how i was feeling

Minhyuk needs to talk to Changkyun. He _need_ s to. But he can’t. This isn’t something he can talk to him about. To anyone about.

But Changkyun is his boyfriend. He needs to know. He deserves to know.

It starts when they’re sitting in the living room together on a rare night off. All seven of them have been chatting between themselves, nursing bottles of beer.

Minhyuk doesn’t know how the conversation starts, too engrossed in reading fan letters on his phone, but he tunes in when he realises there’s a debate going on.

“No, that’s not true,” Hoseok says. He looks uncomfortable, throwing glances in Minhyuk’s direction.

Minhyuk tilts his head. What is going on that Hoseok would keep looking at him?

“Yes. It is.” So, it’s a debate with Changkyun. Maybe that’s why Hoseok is giving Minhyuk looks. “Every couple has sex. It’s normal.”

Oh.

_Oh._

Now Minhyuk gets it. Now he knows why Hoseok kept looking at him.

He’s never explicitly told Hoseok about his sexuality, but Hoseok is observant. Minhyuk knows that he knows, even if they’ve never had a conversation about it.

“Right, Minhyuk?”

Changkyun’s addressing him. Right. He needs to reply.

Minhyuk gives a tight-lipped smile and a nod. He ignores the strange look that Changkyun gives him.

The conversation changes at that. Jooheon starts talking about some movie he’s seen and Minhyuk mentally thanks him for it.

He stares at the white wall of the dorm as he tries to process what he’s just heard.

His phone pings.

 **hoseok:** are you okay?

 **minhyuk:** no

 **hoseok:** do you want to talk?  
**hoseok:** we can pretend to go tidy the plates away

 **minhyuk:** yes please

 **hoseok:** join in the jokes i’m about to get to make it more realistic

Minhyuk doesn’t know what jokes Hoseok is referring to, but he doesn’t get a chance to ask.

“I’m going to go wash up.” Hoseok stands and starts collecting the dirty plates that are stacked on the table.

“Whipped,” Changkyun mutters which sends Jooheon into a fit of giggles.

“We love a man who cleans up to impress his boyfriend,” Hyungwon adds.

Minhyuk doesn’t understand what’s going on. At least, not until he sees the rose painting Kihyun’s cheeks.

“Is Kihyunnie embarrassed?” he jests, following Hoseok’s request to join in.

“Shut up, Minhyuk.” Kihyun glares at him, but Minhyuk knows he deserves it. “Go help Hoseok clean up instead of making dumb comments.”

Minhyuk doesn’t argue, just starts collecting plates and taking them into the kitchen.

No one says anything else to either of them as they clear everything away, instead starting up another conversation that Minhyuk doesn’t care to listen to.

He’s too caught up in his own thoughts.

Once all of the plates are cleared away into the kitchen and the door is shut, Minhyuk feels all of his emotions come to the surface.

Before he knows it he’s collapsed to the floor, sobbing. Strong arms wrap around him. Reassurances are whispered into his hair.

Minhyuk doesn’t know how long he cries for. Doesn’t know how long Hoseok holds him for.

When the tears stop he deflates. Hoseok pulls him closer, hugs him tight.

“You’re okay, Minhyuk. You’re okay.”

And Minhyuk wants to believe it, he does, but he can’t.

“He’s going to leave me, hyung.”

It’s his biggest fear, losing Changkyun. They haven’t been together long, no, only a few months, but Minhyuk loves Changkyun more than anything. He doesn’t want to lose him.

“No, he won’t.” Hoseok rubs up and down Minhyuk’s arms. “You can talk to him about it. He’s not going to leave you. He loves you.”

“You heard what he said. He said it’s normal. How I feel isn’t normal. He’s going to think I’m broken.”

The tears start pouring down Minhyuk’s face, his pain making itself known.

“He’s not like that.”

And Minhyuk knows that. He knows that Changkyun is a good person, that he’d never think badly of Minhyuk, that he’d love him regardless. At least, he knows that on the surface. Deep down, he has that doubt. That doubt caused by years of negativity and comments. The years of living in a world so focused and obsessed with sex, telling him that it’s wrong to feel the way he does. Telling him he’ll never find love, he’ll never be enough, his love will never be enough just on its own.

The years and years of never being accepted have taken their toll on him.

So, he knows Changkyun loves him. He knows Changkyun wants to be with him. But that doubt? That doubt won’t leave. The doubt that one day Changkyun’s going to turn around and tell Minhyuk he’s not enough, he can’t provide enough, and they’re over.

Because, really, why would Changkyun stay with someone as broken as him?

* * *

“Minhyuk, are you okay?”

Changkyun is in their room, in his own bed, looking at Minhyuk with worry.

Minhyuk knows what he looks like, he saw himself in the bathroom mirror before he came to his and Changkyun’s shared room.

“We need to talk.”

As soon as the words leave his mouth, Minhyuk’s heart speeds up. He feels the panic surge. He’s committed to it now.

“Okay?” Changkyun sounds concerned. “Come here.” He pats his bed and opens his arms.

Minhyuk obliges and lets himself be engulfed by Changkyun’s arms. Enjoys the feeling of being close to his boyfriend for what might be the last time.

Changkyun presses a light kiss into Minhyuk’s hair. “What’s going on?”

Minhyuk hesitates. He knows he needs to tell Changkyun, and he can’t get out of it now, but he’s still terrified. “We never spoke about our sexualities,” is what he settles on.

“No?” The confusion in Changkyun’s voice makes Minhyuk feel guilty. He hates himself for it.

Minhyuk takes a deep breath and then he comes out and says it. “I’m asexual.”

Minhyuk can’t see Changkyun’s face as he says it, but he can only imagine the look of disgust.

“Oh.”

Minhyuk feels tears prick at the corner of his eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ll go now.” He tries to move away, but Changkyun’s arms tighten around him.

“No, Minhyuk. I’m not mad or upset. I just need you to explain to me.”

Minhyuk relaxes slightly, lets himself fall back into Changkyun’s arms, but still he mutters, “You’ll hate me and break up with me.”

Fingers find their way into Minhyuk’s hair and play with the strands. “I love you. I won’t leave you. Please talk to me.”

“I’m asexual so I’m not sexually attracted to anyone. At all.”

“I thought you were gay.” Changkyun sounds so confused that Minhyuk wants to cry.

“Yeah, romantically. I like men romantically but no one sexually.” Minhyuk gets more confident as he talks about it, especially with Changkyun being so open to listening.

“Okay. What does that mean for us?”

Minhyuk swallows. “I don’t want sex. Ever. It doesn’t appeal to me and it makes me uncomfortable.” He shudders at the thought. “I’m sorry. I know what you said earlier and I know I’m not normal and I just— I’m sorry.”

Changkyun doesn’t reply for a while, but he keeps running his fingers through Minhyuk’s hair.

Minhyuk’s heart beats wildly. He hates not knowing what Changkyun is thinking.

“I’m just processing,” Changkyun speaks up. “We’ll probably have to talk about this more, but I am sorry for what I said. I didn’t think about what I said before I said it. But Minhyuk, I love you, and nothing changes that.”

Minhyuk pushes himself away from where his face is buried in Changkyun’s chest to look him in the eyes.

There’s sincerity reflected back to him and it gives Minhyuk hope.

“You’re not leaving me? Even though I can’t be enough?”

Changkyun pulls Minhyuk forward to press a gentle kiss to his forehead. “You’re enough. I love you,” he whispers against Minhyuk’s skin.

Minhyuk falls asleep in Changkyun’s arms that night, the doubt still swimming in his mind, the fear that one day Changkyun will leave him. But he tries to ignore that, focuses on Changkyun’s words, on the fact that he loves him. He has hope, even with the doubt, that maybe him and Changkyun will work out, regardless of his sexuality or the self-hatred he feels when he thinks about it. And he falls asleep with those thoughts on his mind. With the hope in his heart.

**Author's Note:**

> comments are very much appreciated


End file.
